As usual I am getting myself into a tizz with Christmas crafting. Shortly after last Christmas I vowed I would be more organised for Christmas 2014 and not have too many last minute projects to do. I bought, in January, a 'Knit Your Own Humphrey' kit to knit up for my daughter as she has always liked these drawings. However, I have procrastinated as usual, and have only just started work on it. Whilst it is easy to knit it is not proving very easy to put together and some bits really don't make sense at all. I am struggling to sew it together so that it looks nice, but trying to get the seaming nice and also get it stuffed correctly is a struggle. Of course, as I am knitting something for No1 daughter I also have to make something for No2 daughter, and while I would like to make her a teddy bear, I really can't face sewing up another toy - 'Jingles' is still languishing in a carrier bag upstairs, not to mention the wizard :(. As she is always having to borrow pashmina's etc from friends when she goes out, I though I would make her an evening shrug. This has proved difficult. I bought a book that had a perfect design in it, only to find that it all the patterns in it use Artyarns yarn, which is only available in the US. So I got a James Brett patterns which was nice, but the only DK sparkly yarn I can find is their Twinkle yarn which looks a bit cheap when knitted up. So after more searching I have found a pattern that uses Rowan KidSilk glamour, so I have ordered the book and pattern and am hoping that will work out. However, it's only 7 weeks and not only must I finish Humphrey and knit his clothes, but also knit this shrug/bolero, sew up Jingles, and make some beaded ornaments. I am itching to get back to my cross stitch - I have a multitude of Mirabilia patterns I want to work on, and was intending to enter a couple of projects into the retreat Best Finish of 2015 contes but I doubt if I am going to make it now :(
Next Saturday I will spend at Crafts for Christmas at the NEC, and on Sunday will be making more Christmas puddings and pickling some more shallots. After that my weekends will be pretty full of Christmas shopping, get togethers and other preparations so knitting and stitching time will be at a minimum. Next year, I must start my Christmas prep in January. Maybe Humphrey et al should be for Christmas 2016?

Like all good intentions everything went to pot within a few weeks. However, I did really well on the diet for a few weeks, so am gradually getting back to it.I have a big meal out this Friday but apart from that I have stuck to it for two days so far.
I am really back into my stitching and knitting - currently working on Mirabilia's Seaside Kingdom. It's a very simple ethereal design, but very hard to work on as it's case of playing hunt the stitch symbol between all the bead symbols! Anyway - here's a pic - not great - it was taken on my mobile.

Looking at this, I can see that I have achieved quite a bit since then, so another update this weekend!

I lost 7.5lb this week - a good start for a new diet. I know I didn't eat as much as I am supposed to but I'm very cautious as I'm not used to regimes where you don't weigh anything and can eat as much as you like! I have made up for it today - used half of my 'Syn' allowance (excuse the twee name for high calorie items - the main thing I don't like about Slimming World).
This week was hard - it's horrible going to back work after Christmas! The weather was pretty dreadful at the beginning of the week too - high winds and lots and lots of rain! It has calmed down a bit now and feels a little more like normal January temperatures. We've had hardly any frosts so far this winter though -  the USA seems to be having all the cold weather!
I'm doing well with stitching and knitting this week. I have finished the Robin - picture to follow - and am back working on Seaside Kingdom - which Ken got me for my birthday with the help of my friend Sandra. I've also finshed the back and one front of Tom's aran hoodie - mainly because I've spent almost every evening in front of the TV with Ken watching things like Sherlock and The Bridge. He has bought a new super duper TV, and although we are struggling to get my loop fitted properly to it, I'm managing by clipping the micophones onto Ken's soundbar.
Hardly seeing anything of the kids - Ben has been closeted up in his room all week, and Jenny and Debbie both seem to be very busy. Ken and I met Mum for coffee this morning and we took back the lamp she bought me that didn't work - the shop are going to try and get another. Mum still seems very down about her health - the doc seems to have told her that the neuropathy she has is an immuno response disorder and they can't do anything about it.
Still waiting for the job I want to be advertised so I can apply - but work has been better this week, so I don't feel quite so desperate!

So I went to Slimming World tonight and signed up. I'm nervous and not terrible confident about achieving anything but I have to try. I'm now the heaviest I have ever been and really struggling just to move around. I've set myself a target weight for next Christmas but I'm trying not to get too hung up on that. The plan seems straightforward with a few quirks, but I'm not confident that it will work for me - I need to weigh and count to restrict what I eat, but I'll give it a go. I have been to WW so many time with no real results. So - here I  go again!

Another New Year! 2013 was a better year for me - my Mum seems to have settled down now, although she is still very depressing to be around as she complains and moans about everything and is completely self absorbed by her health although for an 84 yr old lady she has excellent health - just a few aches and pains. Speaking of health - I am back on the antidepressants as my anxiety and panic attacks went into overdrive this year and finally around September I decided enough was enough and went back to the doctors again. Ken had a diagnosis of emphysema this year plus he also has Barrett cells in his oesophagus so is on stomach medication too. I am also using an inhaler now as my chest is quite bad and I stuggle to breathe at times. One brilliant thing did happen this year - we are now back in touch with Ken's nephew and his wife - I won't go into details as it's a long story, but it has been so good for Ken to have some of his family back in his life again.
This year has seen me lose some friends, mainly because my anxiety has been so overpowering I have found it difficult to cope with much interaction with people, but I am back into my stitching again plus I have also done quite a bit of knitting. I have given up my OU aspirations completely now - I just can't afford to do it, and my memory isn't so good now so I'm not even sure I could cope. My grandson has grown ito a very lively little boy - funny and loving, very like his Dad and looks to be very physical and sporty. He goes to his first football training this Sunday and will start school next September.
Stitching wise, I am spending a lot of time on a Mirabilia Round Robin. I hate the things and the time it takes but a sixth person was desperately needed so I succumbed rather than see the initiative fail. I did finish the stitching for Tom's Christmas stocking, and my Mum made the stocking up.

I've knitted a couple of jumpers for Tom this year, including this aran jumper:

The colour isn't good - it's a really nice holly berry red in real life.

As it's a new year I suppose I should make some resolutions - the only one I want to make is to do something about my job - stop letting it dominate my life and make me constantly anxious and upset and, if possible, to find a new job. Oh - and of course, to lose some weight - goes without saying - I say it every year...

So last night I started stitching again in earnest. I have now set up an almost separate stitching room, so that my lamp doesn't bother my other half and also I can watch the tv I  want to see in peace without feeling guilty. Of course I am now being accused of being unsociable, but somehow DH wasn't accused of that when he used to disappear to watch tv programmes online when he didn't want to watch what I wanted to see.
Anyway, I still have to find a container for the TUSAL but I am pleased with my stitching progress last night. Photos will follow. I'm also trying to be more sociable and have booked to go on a couple of stitchy retreats this year and have started posting more on a board I belong to. I do need to work on that more though and stop assuming no one wants to know what I am up to.
No stitching tonight as I am off to Bingo (!) with a friend from work. It's a weird thing to do and I feel slightly ashamed of it but it's what my friend likes and I value her friendship.
I'm very fed up with work. Bored and yet stressed at the same time. I plan to take a couple of days off soon and sort out my stitching room and bedroom and maybe bead a bauable or put together a knitting bag that I am making.Though reading that, I already know I won't get half of that done!

Time to try blogging again. Not just blogging, trying to get more involved again, both with stitching and the stitching community. I'm all knitted out for now and my hands and wrists are paying the price so it's time to stitch again. I have been concentrating on Facebook for a while now but find it difficult to get a feel for things that are happening, eg TUSAL and WIPocalypse. Also blogs seem to be different - this seems to link up wth Google+ somehow, which I don't use as I find it confusing and hardly anyone else seems to use it. But I see that Annette of Annette's Acre seems to have her blog networked in some way????? Huh??

Anyway - lets see how I get on.

After thinking I had lost the stitching and knitting bug forever (see April) it now seems to have come back big time. I'm once again suffering from stash aquisition disease and will have to exercise real discipline not to get to SABLE levels again :-( I seem to have given up on knitting things for myself - partly because there isn't a lot out there that I 'love' enough to knit, but also because it's cheaper and quicker to buy garments. However, I have rediscovered my love for crochet and am making a blanket plus I am now buried in a desire to knit lots of 'smalls' - Alan Dart designs, Debi Birkin designs and other similar things. Maybe it's an age thing? I do draw the line at Jean Greenhowe - they still don't appeal. Maybe I need to age a few more years.
Oh, and baby clothes, of course. I still love knitting those and wish I had more babies to knit for. In order to do everything I want,  I need to do about 3 years knitting before Xmas. And I do need to sleep.

Back again

OK - I went off blogging a bit; in fact I went off pretty much everything for a while. I suppose I sulked because I found I couldn't go on with my OU course, and I lost the stitching mojo. However, thanks to two lovely ladies at work, who I absolutely adore, I am now knitting furiously again. I'm knitting poppies for the British Legion to sell on Remembrance Day (even though it's normally against my principles to support any military charity), I'm working on a sweater for Tom and a couple of experimental mystery projects. I've also taken up crochet again and am working on a blanket/afghan, and am rediscovering my mojo there as well. I've also got the sewing machine and cutting board out again, although I haven't had a lot of time to do the sewing, but I have a week off in October and am planning to devote it to crafting. So a huge thanks to those two special ladies, though I know they won't see this post as they are not really in to the interweb. I do plan to get them ensnared in Ravelry though!
I pronise I will start posting pics.
Oh - cross stitching - I plan to get going on that too, I have a stocking to complete for Xmas - just need to finish the poppies!

Me and stitching

I really do think I have lost the stitching bug. I still like lots of designs and still like lots of the stuff I have, and theoretically want to stitch it all, but when I pick up a needle I really have to make the effort to stitch for more than a few minutes. I remember when I wanted to stitch for every spare moment and I certainly do not feel like that, and in fact I don't think it was very healthy being that obssessed, but I do miss the feeling of being in love with something I could spend time doing. Nothing has really replaced it - I like knitting sometimes but I don't love it like I used to years ago, or like I used to love my stitching. I dispose of all my stash a couple of years ago and then regretted it and acquired more, but really and truly, I never have properly got the buzz back, and in fact, it seems like a chore mostly.Such a shame, as I really want to stitch Christmas stockings for the family, but I just don't enjoy doing it very much anymore.
But I do miss having a hobby. Nothing has replaced it and I am at a loss with what to do with the precious free time I do have. I do wonder if I am just old and tired now; I need to do nothing with my free time in order to get over working hard all day.I don't even manage to read for more than half an hour at a time now unless it's really easy book - the more challenging stuff I was reading until recently just seems like too much effort.

How sad. How scared it makes me feel about getting old.

Fed up

So we were supposed to have a mini Christmas this Easter, nice turkey dinner, games, nibble and turkey sandwiches in the evening. Ken had bought a humungous turkey  and I had to get up at 5am to put the it  in the oven, as we had to have lunch at 12 as Keats had to go to work at 1pm., I made Tiramisu and meringue for a pavlova the day before, bought cakes, presents for an 'Easter Egg' hunt in the garden, bought loads of wine and drink  - cost me a fortune altogether. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning and prepping veg. The day went OK to start with  and then golf reared it's ugly head. Chris, my SIL switched on the golf during the afternoon, but switched off when I complained. Then Ben disappeared off to his mates and  Keats had already gone to work, so the numbers were down.  Then come the evening, Chris went and watched the golf on the PC down in the end room and Ken joined him. OK, the evening was spoilt anyway, because Tom wouldn't go to sleep, but I think it is the height of rudeness to go and watch TV in someone elses house, especially when it was his idea to have the 'mini Christmas' and play games in the evening.  As Keats was at work, that only left me, Jen and Debs to look after Tom, and in the end Jen and Chris went home at 9pm. So I went to bed and sulked and left everyone else to clear up.
What made it worse was that noone else seemed to think there was anything wrong in them going to watch the golf. Jenny said they shouldn't miss it when they had been following the whole tournament up 'til then. To be fair, Ken had been going to record it so I can't blame him - he only went and watched it 'cos Chris had already put it on. I must be old fashioned. I was brought up to not have the TV on when you had visitors, unless it was a joint thing that everyone wanted to watch. These days, people seem to have the damned thing on all day.

I've now closed my blog down so it's available only to me, If Miz or Michelle want access they can have it. I just want it to be somewhere I can vent and say what I want and no one else has to worry about it. I'll take down all the ancillary links when I have more time.
In the meantime I just want to record that I was awarded a Recognition Award at work yesterday and got some High Street vouchers for £25. Very nice thank you - despite my natural cynicism I was really pleased to get this.  Just a shame I can'y sppend thevouchers at Sew and So or the wool shop!

New Year, New Thoughts, New Everything!

I'm not going to give a boring list of things I want to do this year, all will be revealed as I go. I do intend to blog more often though. I also intend to stitch more, and with this in mind, I have signed up for the WIPocalypse.
Now, I don't have a lot of WIPs, as I haven't stitched that much in the last couple of years, but I do have a couple of things I want to get done this year.
One is Murky Manor.
Two is Six Fat Men (I've started so I'll finish)
Three is a stocking for Tom that I haven't even started yet......
I'm going to ignore the hated Orangutan. I know it is 90% done, but I don't think the intended recipient will want it now, and I hate it anyway - I just need to consign it to a dustbin sometime, and try not to feel too much guilt - but I am not quite able to do that just yet!
I think that's all...?
I am feeling much more positive about my stitching as I think I have now found a comfortable place to stitch. I am moving up to the other end of my sofa - it's more isolated and I can't talk to DH so easily (not always a bad thing), but at least the light from my magnifier doesn't annoy him so much, so I think I might be able to settle down there. It's worth a go. I just need to resolve the restless leg thing now!

Off to WeightWatchers tonight - I'm tempted not to go because I know it's going to be so very busy, but maybe the shocking weather with discourage the New Year resolution people.....
I'm taking my youngest daughter with me - officially for moral support but also because she also needs to lose a couple of stone and I think that she will find attending classes helpful.

Now I'm off to see if there is a TUSAL this year.

Goodness me!

I actually did some stitching tonight! I have finished knitting the three sweaters for my grandson , have sewn up two of them, and only have one seam to do on the other which I will do in the morning. To celebrate I dug out and old WIP that has been on the go for three or four years now - Glendon Place's Murky Manor. It's the only piece I could get all the bits together for, as I don't have the mobility to really rummage through my stash and start the Christmas design I really want to start. But it feels so good to be stitching something I like - again!

Best laid plans and all that...

Well, I came back from Turkey two days late and complete with broken ankle with new metalwork in it, plus a thrombosis in my leg. I won't go into details as it gets tedious - suffice to say I ended up in a Turkish hospital on day 5 of the holiday, and had a difficult journey home.
This means all my plans ae gone to pot as I can't put any weight on the ankle for another 5 weeks and can't drive. I'm completely dependent on my daughters to take me anywhere, and I'm supposed to be using crutches, but as my other ankle was also badly sprained, I have poor balance (I think linked to my deafness) plus my excessive weight, I find the crutches almost impossible to use. We have borrowed a wheelchair, but that doesn't help me get up and down stairs (a major problem) and I don't have the strength to propell it very far either.
Oh well, life just has to go into abeyance for five weeks.

I will be getting back to work asap though, as the office is good for wheelchair access, and as I am now under threat of either redundancy or demotion it's not a good time to be away!

Is it really Autumn?

I can't believe how long it is since I last blogged or, indeed, did very much at all! All the energy and general 'get up and go' I had in the early part of the year seems to have disappeared and I have been in a period of lethargy and ennui. I've done no sewing, although I have done quite a bit of knitting, exercise, dieting and anything else has really just disappeared. So I need to get arse into gear. The early stirrings of Christmas anticipation have stimulated a yearning to stitch again, although only Christmas stuff of course, but I have some sweaters to knit for Tom before I can get going on that. It would help if I didn't spend hours playing games on Facebook!
Anyway, I am off for a week to Turkey next Saturday - not my choice of holiday destination, but Mum wants to go and is happy to pay for me to acompany her, so I have stocked up with books for my Kindle and I anticipate some lazy hours reading and, hopefully, knitting. I'm hoping the weather will be pleasantly warm without being too hot, and it's Sod's Law isn't it, that as I go away the UK is going to move into an Indian Summer, with what looks likely to be the best sustained period of decent weather this year! When  I get back, the diet must start again in earnest - no more 'plans' etc - just straightforward calorie counting. I have signed up for a gym membership and have started my bicycle lessons again, and fully intend to cycle to work at least once a week. I intend to be very, very good indeed until Christmas.
And Christmas prep will start when I get back - the puddings and cake must be made, and I can start planning the menus and what treats I will cook for the Christmas period. I plan to make more of the chutney I made last year, and cook many of the lovely Christmas food from Delia's book - my reliable Christmas bible.
I move back to normal hours at work as well, from October, so hopefully will be doing more cooking and baking now I won't get home quite so late.
But speaking of work, my employer announced on Thursday that they want to lose 40 people from the business. They have asked for voluntary redundancies, but if they don't get enough applications there will be compulsory redundancies. It's all happening very quickly; they want the new business structure in place by 3 January 2012. They want most of the losses to come from my grade, so I am very vulnerable now. I panicked at first, because if the voluntary redundancy package paid more money than the compulsory, then I had to decide whether to take VR or gamble on not being made compulsorily redundant. However, the terms of the two packages are almost the same for me as I have only been there for 13 years, so I have decided to sit tight. I'm therefore not stressing about it - I don't have to make any decisions, so all I can do is wait it out. It will be a financial disaster for us if I lose my job as, because of my deafness and age, I will find it very hard to get another one, but I daresay we will get through it somehow.
So - lots to do and think about!
Yesterday we scattered Dad's ashes. They were cast into his favourite fishing spot with some flowers, and his fishing club put up a brass plaque commemorating him, as he was very well regarded in the angling community throughout the UK - a celebrity in his field, almost! It was a lovely afternoon, warm and sunny, and  we all found it very moving - I certainly became far more emotional than I expected! SO that has almost marked the end of this process - there is only the tree planting occasion in the cramatorium to come and then it will all be over. I'm hoping Mum will then be able to move on a little bit.
I really do want Mum to move - somewhere near some shops and nearer to me, and a house with a smaller garden that she can manage. She seems reluctant to move; I can understand it, but I do think she needs to look at the practicalities a bit more. Hopefully, we can discuss while we are away.

Anyway - thats enough for now. I will make more of an effort to post now that I will have more time!

New starts

I recently sold quite a bit of my cross stitch stash and also some ex study books using Amazon, and with the funds I gained, I bought this:



I've been meaning to try and do some quilting for ages now, plus other sewing too, but my machine was elderly and very basic and I thought a more modern machine might provide a helping hand and help me feel more comfident.
I've started a simple quilting kit that a couple of friends bought for me on my birthday a while back, and while I'm not really doing a brilliant job, I am getting a bit of a feel for the machine and how things go together. Here is the evidence...


I can't truthfully say I'm enjoying it - I'm finding it too nerve-racking for that, but the difficulties I am encountering are not exactly what I expected. I'm finding it fairly easy to do a 1/4" seam, which I expected to find hard, but what is really discombobulating is that when I stitch two pieces of fabric together on the machine, the top piece stretches a little and ends up a bit longer than the piece underneath. This happened on my old machine and I assumed it was a fault, but as it's still happening it must be user error! Not sure what I can do about that. The other problem I'm finding is that the printed pictures on the fabric are not square and so the final blocks are ending up squiffy and slightly different sizes. Also, where the shop cut the fabric, there isn't enough on one edge to give the correct clearance for the seaming. However, I am telling myself that it is all a learning experience and that the finished article wil look fun even if it's far from perfect. Thats what my friends keep telling me!
The irony is that my Mum was a trained upholsterer and made curtains and soft furnishings for a living all her life, and so is expert on a machine, but for reasons of pride, I don't want to ask her for help. And whe wouldn't 'get' modern day quilting and patchwork - she would find it obscene that people spend money on custom fabric and don't just use scraps from home. She has done some pretty cool stuff though - in the fifties she worked on the famous curtains at the London Palladium, and the starry back drops they used for the 'Sunday Night at' shows, and she has made curtains and other soft furnishings for a couple of minor celebrities, some of which were featured in a design and interiors magazine.
Anyway - with things being as they are, I have slipped on the TUSAL, but here is one I took just before I moved in with Mum and Dad for what were Dad's last few days.

I haven't done any stitching since then until this last week, so there wouldn't have been anything to see for April and May, but I shall definitely put one up next new moon!

Contd

I said it was another story, but briefly I'll explain that although I consider my marriage over, I intend that both of us will continue to live together at least for a while. The impact on the family will be too great otherwise. My son and his fiancee live with us and do not earn enough to get a place of their own, and my younger daughter will remain living with us for another 2 or 3 years yet until she and her partner earn enough to get a place of their own. The house is very crowded - a three bed semi with 5 adults living in it is not ideal, especially as we each have a car and trying to fit 5 cars in our small cul de sac is not easy (6 cars when Debbies partner stays). I fear we are not popular with the neighbours! Also, I can't bear the thought of the family having to divide their time between me and Ken and my ex-husband too, it would put such a strain on everyone, and I know I would get resentful about their visits to Ken. Also, Christmas would be ruined for everyone, as my home is at the centre of everyone's arrangements, and I like it like that. So my intention is for me and Ken to live like house mates, which truthfully we have been doing for some years. There is no (mental) intimacy or closeness between us and hasn't been for a very long time; I have tried several times to talk about our relationship and try to resolve the tensions and resentments between us, but Ken just won't open up. He is content with our 'relationship' to continue as it is and he thinks there isn't a problem; I'm not, but as I can't or won't leave, I just have to stop thinking of us as a married couple. It seems to be the only answer. There is an atmosphere between us all the time, which saddens me, especially as it makes things uncomfortable for the kids, but I don't see what I can do about it. I have tried to make myself less angry and resentful over Ken and the way he acts, but I just can't seem to get over it. I'm just fed up with feeling hurt by the way he speaks to me and the lack of affection, I am fed up with getting angry about his laziness, I'm fed up with his racisim and bigotry and general intoleracne of the rest of the world.
It's come to a head now I think because I have come of the anti-depressants and am no longer living with my emotions smothered in a fog of sedation. I just can't let stuff go over my head any more.
I have got to do something about myself though. Over the last few years I seem to have got myself tied up in knots over various principles and views which are causing me and others problems. An example is my attempt to be vegetarian and even vegan which presents problems for catering for the rest of the family and for family celebrations and get togethers. I do get worried and guilty about the way animals are treated in farming and this has been the driver for my attempts to be vegetarian. Dairy farming is even worse, hence my desire to go Vegan but that really is very, very difficult indeed. Then there is the green issue - you need ten times as much land to rear animals than you would to provide the same amount of nutrition for vegetarians. Yet I know that me being a veggie/vegan will make not a blind bit of difference to what goes on; the vast majority of the world care not one jot. And I have no real objections to eating meat, milk and eggs if the animals have a humane life. So maybe I could just buy organic meat and dairy produce - I'm assured that if the products are organic the animals have a better life than those that are not. And yet, I find it hard to let go of the principle, even though Ken ridicules me and despises vegetarians and keeps talking about the 'shit' that I eat. It would be easier for everyone and for me if I just gave it up, but what is the right thing to do - to persevere for a principle, or to accept the realities of the situation and try and let go? I'm making life so hard for myself. I used to be very tolerant, but now I get angry about religion and I get angry about the monarchy. I've got myself uptight about trying to read 'literary' literature which I mostly enjoy but sometimes yearn for the easy read, but won't allow myself to give in to it. I do think if I could just let go of all these things it would get rid of a lot of tension between me and Ken; I mentioned his bigotry - I used to hate his racism, but it's only since having my mind opened by more varied reading and the OU course that his other opinions and views now really grate on me and make me think badly of him.
So in summary, I know it's me that has changed, and I'm really not sure if I can go backwards to how I used to be, or even if I should. Whats the real me? The person who up to 5 years ago was laid back and tolerant and didn't think too hard about issues, or the person I am now? Do I even like me as I am now?

Going back on a promise

I said ages ago I wasn't going to write about personal stuff here, but I am going to renege on this. I have a lot to get off my chest and things to resolve in my head so I might write some stuff down in the hope it helps.
Lots has happened in the last few months, I have changed a lot, I haven't been able to post crafty stuff for various reasons, and things have been a mess. I have even let the TUSAL slip!!

To summarise, the last four months of last year were hellish, far worse than anyone realised, I think. The tooth abscess, extraction and resultant septic socket was incredibly painful and made me feel really ill. I contracted Norovirus followed shortly by a flu type thing and a nasty chest infection and had odd symptoms that led to my me being regularly feverish and unwell and having tests, scans and X-rays to check for possible cancer (apparently).

Now it is all over, I have worked out what was going on. Firstly, I was coming off the Seroxat (antidepressant I'd been taking for 8 years) which caused brain zaps and I'm sure, the intermittent fevers.
Secondly, I think I had an intense menopause; I didn't get hot flushes, but I think all the vulnerability to illness was due to that. The reason I think this is because since last October I have not had one single migraine. That is miraculous considering I have had them roughly every month since I was 12. Even though I was told years ago that they would probably disappear with the menopause, I never really thought it was linked to my cycle because they were not every 28 days. However, looking back, my cycle never was that regular; when I was getting periods ( I had a hysterectomy in '93) my cycle did vary between 26 days and 56 days.
Thats what I now think was happening to me last year.

Sadly, I lost some friends over this. At the time I went very quiet and disappeared a lot from the internet scene, and some OU friends I made took offence at that and basically were unable to forgive me for retreating. My longer standing and truer friends knew that I wasn't good and gave me space, but this particular group of people didn't and I have been hurt by that. I know it is probably unreasonable of me to feel this way, because being newer friends they didn't know me so well and understand that I do tend to disappear when life gets difficult, whereas my older and better friends do know and accept it. I did let these people know I was having a rough time, but they never once emailed me to ask what was going on' just made it clear that they felt I was being rude. I'm told they left messages on Facebook, but my FB wall tends to be over run with game posts and the like and at that time I never had the energy or inclination to really sort out my wall so I daresay I missed their posts. The reason I am so raw about this again right now is because I went back into Twitter for the first time in months yesterday and found a message from one of them saying that friendship had to be a two way street, and I replied and got an almost abusive message back.
Anyway, there seems to be no way back there despite my apologies, so I just have to regret the loss of what could have been good friends.

At Christmas, my dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and given just weeks to live. My spare time from then to his death on 13 March was committed entirely to him and Mum; apart from a couple of weeks in early February, I spent each evening either hospital visiting or at their house, and spent a lot of my time ferrying then around to hospital appointments and taking Mum shopping and all the other minutiae. Apart from 3 weeks in total, we managed to keep Dad in his own home, and that's where he died. The last 48 hours was awful. I had no idea how dreadful lung cancer could be, and what a terrible way it is to die. Dad was cremated on 30th March, and I'm proud to say that I organised a good funeral for him. We had a Humanist Celebrant, and it was a celebration of his life and not an overly maudlin occasion, although we did get terribly upset at some moments, of course. We are all adjusting slowly, and my Mum has shown amazing strength through it all. I'm so proud of her.

I have just come out of hospital myself; I went in on 16th May and had a TVT to treat my stress incontinence, and also had an anterior and posterior pelvic floor repair, plus a cytoscopy and two biopsies. It went fairly well, although I had to have a catheter for an extra three days as my bladder went on strike, but all is well now and I am healing. I can't do any heavy lifting and get tired, but I was able to start driving again today which is wonderful after feeling stranded for the last couple of weks! I am off work until 27th June.

Now some good stuff. Because of Dad's diagnosis, although I was only half way through the 6 months Seroxat withdrawal programme, I did the second half cold turkey over two weeks, because I knew I would need to help Mum and Dad a lot and couldn't afford to feel dopey. It was tough, but oh, it has made such a huge difference to my life!! I am no longer fighting severe drowsiness all the time, and fighting to stay awake at work; I no longer need to sleep 12 hours out of every 24 to feel half human. I can manage on 6 or 7 hours sleep most of the time, am awake at a reasonable time in the mornings, and feel like me again. I'm no longer living in a haze.
There has been one downside; it has also made me realise that to all intents and purposes my marriage is over. Thats a story for another post, I think!!

My cousin sent this to me.