Contd

I said it was another story, but briefly I'll explain that although I consider my marriage over, I intend that both of us will continue to live together at least for a while. The impact on the family will be too great otherwise. My son and his fiancee live with us and do not earn enough to get a place of their own, and my younger daughter will remain living with us for another 2 or 3 years yet until she and her partner earn enough to get a place of their own. The house is very crowded - a three bed semi with 5 adults living in it is not ideal, especially as we each have a car and trying to fit 5 cars in our small cul de sac is not easy (6 cars when Debbies partner stays). I fear we are not popular with the neighbours! Also, I can't bear the thought of the family having to divide their time between me and Ken and my ex-husband too, it would put such a strain on everyone, and I know I would get resentful about their visits to Ken. Also, Christmas would be ruined for everyone, as my home is at the centre of everyone's arrangements, and I like it like that. So my intention is for me and Ken to live like house mates, which truthfully we have been doing for some years. There is no (mental) intimacy or closeness between us and hasn't been for a very long time; I have tried several times to talk about our relationship and try to resolve the tensions and resentments between us, but Ken just won't open up. He is content with our 'relationship' to continue as it is and he thinks there isn't a problem; I'm not, but as I can't or won't leave, I just have to stop thinking of us as a married couple. It seems to be the only answer. There is an atmosphere between us all the time, which saddens me, especially as it makes things uncomfortable for the kids, but I don't see what I can do about it. I have tried to make myself less angry and resentful over Ken and the way he acts, but I just can't seem to get over it. I'm just fed up with feeling hurt by the way he speaks to me and the lack of affection, I am fed up with getting angry about his laziness, I'm fed up with his racisim and bigotry and general intoleracne of the rest of the world.
It's come to a head now I think because I have come of the anti-depressants and am no longer living with my emotions smothered in a fog of sedation. I just can't let stuff go over my head any more.
I have got to do something about myself though. Over the last few years I seem to have got myself tied up in knots over various principles and views which are causing me and others problems. An example is my attempt to be vegetarian and even vegan which presents problems for catering for the rest of the family and for family celebrations and get togethers. I do get worried and guilty about the way animals are treated in farming and this has been the driver for my attempts to be vegetarian. Dairy farming is even worse, hence my desire to go Vegan but that really is very, very difficult indeed. Then there is the green issue - you need ten times as much land to rear animals than you would to provide the same amount of nutrition for vegetarians. Yet I know that me being a veggie/vegan will make not a blind bit of difference to what goes on; the vast majority of the world care not one jot. And I have no real objections to eating meat, milk and eggs if the animals have a humane life. So maybe I could just buy organic meat and dairy produce - I'm assured that if the products are organic the animals have a better life than those that are not. And yet, I find it hard to let go of the principle, even though Ken ridicules me and despises vegetarians and keeps talking about the 'shit' that I eat. It would be easier for everyone and for me if I just gave it up, but what is the right thing to do - to persevere for a principle, or to accept the realities of the situation and try and let go? I'm making life so hard for myself. I used to be very tolerant, but now I get angry about religion and I get angry about the monarchy. I've got myself uptight about trying to read 'literary' literature which I mostly enjoy but sometimes yearn for the easy read, but won't allow myself to give in to it. I do think if I could just let go of all these things it would get rid of a lot of tension between me and Ken; I mentioned his bigotry - I used to hate his racism, but it's only since having my mind opened by more varied reading and the OU course that his other opinions and views now really grate on me and make me think badly of him.
So in summary, I know it's me that has changed, and I'm really not sure if I can go backwards to how I used to be, or even if I should. Whats the real me? The person who up to 5 years ago was laid back and tolerant and didn't think too hard about issues, or the person I am now? Do I even like me as I am now?